If you’ve read my last blog, you’d know that I went through an ugly break-up. Nevertheless, it sucked that my first relationship was with someone with a drug addiction.
Reflecting on the Relationship
Now that I have taken a step back to reflect upon things, I noticed that my intuition was always right. I would ignore it and feel as if I needed to get through someone’s flaws in a relationship. Little did I know his flaws were the red flags.
In the last blog post, I called this guy a narcissist. However, I don’t know if it’s right to label him that. It may have been the drugs causing those narcissistic tendencies, but that doesn’t mean he’s an actual narcissist. Still, he broke up with me and here are some updates on my end.
Social Media Games
Right after the break up, I didn’t immediately block him from my social media. Surprisingly with a nasty last text chat, he didn’t block me either. In fact, he still viewed my Snapchat stories while I ignored his. Since I found out he was still a fan, I tried to show out on my social media: I’m living my best life without you vibes.
Don’t get me wrong, I looked good and genuinely felt great. However, I found myself obsessing over whether or not he saw my latest posts. I found myself posting for him and not for me. Therefore, I had to block him for myself.
I went through a series of emotions sometimes regretting blocking him. I’d post cute photos wishing he would see them to see what he lost. But, if someone wanted me that badly I shouldn’t feel the need to create this campaign to win them back. Also, it’s not fair that I allow him access to my life when he was the one to break things off. I rather have him think about the privilege he just lost.
I’d find myself crying on and off all the time because I grew so attached so quickly only for it to be over so quickly. I also look back as to how loyal, caring, and beautiful I was to this guy only to be lied to in the end.
However,
I do have to thank him for breaking it off. Unfortunately, people with big hearts can’t save everyone including myself. The break-up needed to happen. He was going through a depression while battling addiction. Meanwhile, I was off to live my life in California.
As suicidal and negative as he was, I wouldn’t want that energy around me while I’m excitingly focusing on my career. It would be draining to have this cloud of negativity around you.
I still have hatred towards him, but he did make some seriously great points: I’m too good for him. Not only to brag that I am beautiful, but I look forward to life, which was something that he lacked. Furthermore, I take relationships and people seriously something that he is desperate lacking and doesn’t deserve from me.
1 Month and 1/2 Later
I still find myself at times thinking about him and missing the memories with him, not him as an actual person. I sometimes crave male attention but I am definitely waiting on it to be from someone who actually loves/values me.
Although the relationship was pretty much a breeze, do I regret it? No. It was learning experience. Plus, I’m human and I feel emotions. Also, I get curious and even though this ended up being a disaster, I can’t say I didn’t like the physical pleasure that came with it. The emotions and the heartaches are the real challenges.
Despite feeling pain, I also felt a new sense of just loving me. Listening to songs such as Leona Lewis’ Better In Time, Beyonce’s If I were A Boy, Little Mix’s Shout Out To My Ex, have a whole new meaning to me now. Despite going through my men are trash phase, the photos I took prior to blocking this ex and after have been fire. The break-up glow is very much real.
Spoil Yourself After A Break Up
I look at all my photos here in L.A and think to myself how beautiful I really am. Not just physically, but emotionally. I think about how blessed I am to be in California working for Sony and being a working woman.
I have to give credit to my mom for showing me how to be an independent woman who not only makes her own money, but gets through life despite those who have wronged her. It feels good spoiling myself with shows, clothes, while enjoying my amazing own company.
I also thank my roommates who have been in recent conflicting situations themselves with guys. it’s like we were set to be each other’s roommates and give each other not only support, but love.
Lately, I’ve been getting so random many calls. I can’t assume it’s from him, but I’m just tired of analyzing something out of my control. YouTube videos have helped and I am getting stronger each day. It’s still a journey, but my main goal is to focus on me and to value myself. After all, I know I’m that b****.