If you aren’t up to speed, I was practically dumped late January before my trip to California. After going through the anger stage, denial, and pettiness of trying to show him up, I just stopped. Yesterday, I met with my LA program one final time over a zoom call. Despite the quarantine, I’m still blessed to have had the opportunity to go because at that point as heartbroken as I was, going away was the best outcome for me.
Try to Escape Your World
I know not everyone can afford to travel, but being around people who you bond with is such beautiful sight. So when we had our final call yesterday, I said to myself “you have grown”. You finished this whole program despite a harsh heartbreak, home stress, and depression hitting you. What ironically helped were the pictures I took trying to make him “miss out on what he lost on”. Even after I blocked him, which I am so very proud of myself for doing, selfies were my zen. And honestly, looking at the selfies I took, I not only look beautiful, but I became such as career driven women who was able to hide the pain in her heart and still prosper mentally and professionally.
Don’t get me wrong my emotions still come in waves. I still have my bad days that even haunt me at night. They aren’t as heavy anymore, but I will still always feel hurt about what happened. After all, the pain of rejection lingers for a long time. However, a part of me still cares probably because I just have a big heart. I don’t know if it will dissapear, but regardless if it doesn’t, I don’t feel as strongly about the situation anymore. Despite that, it’s not fair for me to force someone into something they aren’t ready for. He had things to deal with which was the best decision he can made for himself. Also, if his feelings weren’t there, there’s no need to continue anything.
Think About What You Learned
I think when terrible situations happen, people never take accountability. It doesn’t necessarily mean you wrong, but it shows that you know could have done better. At the time of the break-up, I was hurt and angry which is such a human emotion. I didn’t do anything too drastic looking back and to be honest, I think I handled it pretty well considering it was my first break up and I had to go to California in tears. There wasn’t not back and forth from my end, I didn’t go below the belt, and I blocked him to foster my own healing. However, despite my humane reaction, the tone in which I sent the text could have been better as well as the writing. I can see how words were twisted, and in both ends emotions got the best out of us.
Furthermore, I need to work on my clinginess. I never had such male attention before from anyone and everything was so perfect in the start. However, looking back despite his claims on me being just fine, I felt like I was smothering him which drove him a bit back. Also looking back, even though getting dumped hurts, it needed to happen. Our time together was built from chemistry and not compatibility. He had different views and different lifestyle from me and I was so willing to make it work just to keep him. However, in the long run, him dumping me was the best decision as our relationship would have been filled with so much stress. We connected so quickly and when you mix that with temptation and flirting, you have a fast relationship that ultimately goes nowhere because you two really don’t know each other. That’s what we were.
Inspired by this video, I just had to write this out because I’ve been feeling this way for a while. I’m not angry anymore. Yes I still have feelings and I still feel hurt, but that’s life. The pain I feel and felt in California has taught me so much in what I want in love. But most importantly, the pain taught me that I can overcome, put up good front, and still strive to get my work done. At the end of the day, I can never really hate him. After all, I enjoyed our memories and considering we are in quarantine, I appreciate getting some interaction before everything went into chaos. Hell, I don’t even know when’s the next time I’m going to touch another human being who isn’t my sibling. Regardless, I sincerely wish him the best. Everything with time gets better and you will be excited to see the person you are evolving into.