After listening to Amanda Seales’ Breakfast Club interview, I knew I needed to blog about this. Amanda dropped so many gems beautifully. The emotions she expressed reflects upon my entire feelings throughout this pandemic.
There is such an emphasis on being a strong woman. You have to get your own bag, not put up with a man’s crap, love yourself, independent, put work into your projects, etc. And don’t get me wrong there are so many benefits to being that type of woman. When you in a low place, you know for sure that you have worked hard enough to at least maintain stability in that low place and to crawl out of it.
However, I think many times we don’t understand that our character comes from challenges. And although this builds up strength that aids us for future issues, at the same time I think the moment we show softness or at least some vulnerability, we are automatically weak minded or don’t love ourselves enough. In fact, we are so programmed nowadays that in moments of weaknesses we are always told, “go love yourself more or work on yourself”. As I type this, I realized that I have a future blog in the making about “strong womanhood” being equated to “singlehood”.
But Black Femininity Shows Another Light
Now this can apply to any woman. However, Amanda Seales introduced a crucial point about black womanhood. During the BET Awards, she talked about how she had to put in so much energy into hosting and fitting into roles to help the show take place. In this, she talked about how although she had experiences taking on those roles, she didn’t necessarily wanted to take them all on her own. And I know what you’re thinking, Tiana this sounds normal. Like, if I had a group project and I was doing all the work, of course I would be stressed out and frustrated.
But then she goes on to say how she’s tired of being that strong black woman and just wants to lean on people. This right here was a pure word that many black girls including myself can relate to. Society already treats us as the lowest of the lowest. You have many, not all, black men publicly disrespecting us, you don’t see much of us taking on executive roles in any field, we are stereotyped, and our femininity/beauty is highly questioned. Because of all that, we naturally build this defense and this strength to prosper. Like Amanda says, we build character out of circumstances not by choice. Unfortunately we had to develop this mechanism just to survive in a society that doesn’t naturally cater to us.
For My Aunt And My Mom
I look to my family: we have black single mothers playing fathers to their kids. It’s not like they asked to become a single parent, take on financial burdens, take on gossip, and the disrespect from the men in their lives. They were forced to “become strong” out of a toxic situation and ultimately they are paying the damage as they were left with those scars. It’s not like they can undo their kids, the father, etc. And as I overheard my aunt today speaking to her counselor, you can see that she’s stressing and her mental health is deteriorating. Many times the mental health talk is a big no no in the black community. But pertaining to black women, we hold this burden and we put up with so much crap that leads to breakdowns, similar to what happened to Amanda.
The immediate answer is to focus on yourself which is true. But, that in itself shouldn’t be the only long-term answer you have. The reality is that we live in a society and we do crave some type of interaction with people no matter how much of an introvert you are. We are human!!! Leaning on the right people will create peace and ultimately relieve so much stress in your life. This is why people have friends and family to help cheer them up after a misfortune event. It’s such a trend to say, focus on yourself as it helps you figure out your insecurities and helps you grow as a person. But we also have to focus on how leaning towards people (friends, family, or a partner) is not only very important but also extremely welcoming for the soul.
To My Black Self
I look to myself: I’ve been quoted as the black strong girl by a friend. I remember ranting to my fellow black co-worker about this and she responded “as if black girls aren’t programmed to express negative emotion”. Often times when we are able to express ourselves, we are bitter, aggressive, dramatic, angry, etc and even more so, we eventually have to deal with these emotions and continue to the life that brings us injustice. In a life like this, why am I not expected to have my dark emotional moments? Why can’t we find a group of people or men be strong for us for a change?
I remember when I did date that guy, I was so reluctant to let him spoil me simply because my single mother taught me a new wave to independence: provide your own and never depend on a man. As a result, I am reluctant to lean on people in financial terms. I was also surprised that even though it’s typical for a guy to provide for a woman, that I was getting that type of treatment. I questioned if I was deserving of it. Even so, the aftermath of that situationship proved to be awful and going through the pandemic has sincerely scarred me. As a result, I am reluctant to lean on people because they have a tendency to walk out of my life. It was based on circumstances of a fatherless home. However, this does not dismiss that I truly want be able to lean on people and my love to do so. It definitely has to be the right type of people.
Do I consider myself a strong black female? Hmmm… I don’t know yet. There’s so much I want to achieve in life but then again, I’ve also achieved so much in life and I’m only 21. I consider myself more of a goofball, troll, open-book Afro-latina with a big heart. That will forever be my main title.