This week I finally had the chance to talk to my sweet former roommate who I haven’t heard from since we went into an official lockdown. When she asked me the general questions, “how are you”? I just completely broke down.
The reality is that before we talked, everything was decent, not great, but decent. My laptop broke down and I currently typing this on my brother’s, which has its issues, my mother’s arm is practically disabled this week from falling and I’ve been tending to her and cooking practically all the meals, and I had to have a conversation with my family about their financial dependency on me. The odd thing is that when I typed all this or recount it, this is a lot for a 21 year old college student to handle. And I worry even more about post-graduation and living my own life guilt free, knowing my family will be okay without me.
Being At Home For A Semester
I’ve talked about not having any relief already and although I have been able to get by, It’s still hard to wrap around how my life has been crapped on solely due to this pandemic. It taught me how little control I have over my circumstances back at home, being depended on, living in a low income neighborhood where there’s not much to visit and I have to deal with men staring me down despite wearing a dumb mask.
The funny thing is that, I feel guilty at times for even being selfish. Like, I’m destined to help other people than myself. This week I spent a good amount of money on myself buying a new laptop and phone, which has been acting sluggish after 4 years. And although the laptop was a frustration, buying things is a way that I like to treat myself. Yet, a part of me feels bad because despite having to upgrade my devices especially for online classes, I felt bad because that money could have went into a bill for the apartment. Like I am literally feeling bad for spending all the money I have saved up for all these years on myself.
The Times I Felt Guilt For Choosing Me
And it’s not the first time I had this feeling of feeling guilty for choosing myself. I had this feeling when I was dumped, as I sometimes thought that I was insensitive to my ex’s mental health post break up when in actuality he was actually the issue. I would think about running back and re-explaining myself, but Ego stopped me and thankfully it did. When I quit my job this semester to focus on my mental health and insomnia, I felt guilt afterwards because I was sure I’d be disappointing my former supervisors. And although I have actively mastered how to walk away for my own being, I still feel major guilt doing things for myself.
We Are Programmed To Hide Our Sadness
As a female in a dominantly Latina only running household, I was taught to grind and take care of others. As an American which I am sure many others can relate to, I was taught to survive in a capitalistic society. In a bigger picture, that means put your mental health issues aside and continue to work. Them: Who’s paying you to be depressed or to have anxiety? And with the world today, people will tell you to distract yourself with superficial solutions for aid. Watch television, play games, go online, etc. In a world full of advanced technology and instant gratifications, we still have so many mental health issues.
It’s Okay Not To Be Okay
Don’t get me wrong, distracting yourself can do wonders, but you still have to feel your emotions. This past summer was horrible for me considering being home after that break up. However, I was never able to fully process it in California because I was always working or in class. And although sitting in your room crying isn’t the best look, it’s worth it when you are trying to get those emotions out because then you lose touch of yourself and most important, the reality of the situation. Eventually ALL your feelings will come to light so it’s better to identify them and work to progress.
My Personal Issues
Til this day, I still have issues with loneliness. In fact, I still cry about it from time to time like this previous weekend. But, it’s not as prominent as it use to be. In fact, as sad as it sounds, I have new issues to focus on just like the rest of the world currently does with this lockdown in play. I’ve brung myself to a place where I can go throughout the month and have many good days instead of sad days. But, I couldn’t have done that without really “suffering”, getting in touch with my internal feelings and letting them release. And if I have moments where I have to do that again, so then let it be.
Like many people in the era of COVID, I don’t have control over my own life right now. And to be honest, I can’t say I love it. However, I am entitled to feel that way. The world is literally not the best place to live in right now so of course we are entitled to having such negative feelings. At time I envy those who are getting by just fine despite of the current state the world is in. But then I think about how the majority isn’t or even hasn’t before this pandemic.
We Go Through Quiet Battles
And that uneasiness is completely okay. How we confront those issues do matter however. The best way to do so is to be direct, vent, maybe seek therapy, and let your hurt hurt even if you have a million tears on your pillow. At the end of the day, we all forget we are human and we don’t want to lose ourselves in such an already f***** up world. Learn to feel, deal and familiarize yourself with those mentally draining emotions, because they will always come back sometime in our lives to try to consume us for good.
It has been such a depressing year for me emotionally and mentally. I feel like a reason for that is because it started off on such a good note, only to be stripped away at the end. I’m proud of myself for making it through each day and I know this will definitely be a story I tell myself in the future. But in the meantime, I’m definitely okay with not being okay with my life.