So recently I’ve been making some major career moves. After my rant a few weeks ago, I landed on a great opportunity that I feel blessed with. Furthermore, I’ve also been feeling hopeful seeing my other job applications actually get reviewed versus getting rejected by computers. However, despite all this success that I wanted for so long especially during this pandemic, I recently found myself having a panic attack about one of my biggest insecurities: being lonely.
Being young in your early twenties or late teens, your love life naturally becomes a topic. However, in this stage of our life we are also dealing with job hunting, college, moving out and ultimately finding ourselves. So why is it, that there is more curiosity as to whom I may share my bed with versus whom I want to inspire? As you can see, I’ve made this an insecurity of mine.
And I know I may sound prudish or bitter mainly because I am. I wish for genuine and healthy romance even though there are times when I know my schedule doesn’t allow me to have that at the moment. I guess I just want a rare, beautiful, and HEALTHY relationship that can add excitement to my life. But, it’s frustrating when your single status becomes an obssession to a point where I have even questioned why I can’t even like our current dating trends. Either way, these topics are the “tea” and they are interesting to chat about once in a while. But, there’s a reason why people get so fed up with the following question.
And then I reflect upon myself. Why am I so obsessed with my single-hood even though I have so much going on for myself? Is it because the “dating game” all online these days? Is it because girls were programmed by Disney to be on the look out for her Prince Charming to save her? Is it because these teen, young adult shows are a script of what we ought to be doing? Is it because my first attempt was such a failure and I haven’t had the success I’m looking for? Am I making this a bigger deal than it actually is? I answer yes to all these questions and secretly wish I wasn’t so bothered by the “you will stay single forever if you don’t take advantage of your twenties” ticking clock.
What’s worse is that I’m only 21 and will turn 22 in a few weeks. I think the pandemic has stunted what would have been amazing memories and new dating possibilities in real life. Before, I was proud of myself for being so upfront with my goals but also “shooting my shot” romantically. Point is, I am super young still and it bothers me that I can still get triggered for something that can happen at any moment: love. In reality, I should honor my success, which I do, and not ruminate the “you’ll be single forever and should be sleeping around” thoughts especially during this pandemic. It’s a type of FOMO that sadly makes me insecure.
At the end of the of my day, my career is my passion and if I have the opportunity to build on that, then it will always be my primary focus. Although I do wish I would have had more romantic success in my college years, I also didn’t feel the most confident back then as I do now. Nevertheless, I still treat myself as a project, always improving on something. As I improve on my career, I have hope that everything else will allign when I’m “not looking”. After all, they say those make the best stories.
