Very recently I’ve had some troubling moments regarding friendships, family matters, and even street matters. And even though so much damage has been done, I decided, why not make some money off my situation by blogging. I wasn’t originally going to discuss this because I’m not one to get super radical regarding feminism. In fact, I pretty much dislike radical Western feminism. But after the gaslighting, sexism, the immaturity, ignorance, lack of respect for female boundaries, unnecessary persistence, the lack of male accountability and the undermining of male behavior and flaws that I experienced this last week, I thought it was time to just express my anger in regards to double standards.
Even so, I won’t get too personal about my situation because I don’t want this to be a repeat of last year. Additionally, I’ve been very aware of my faults and the other parties faults and I haven’t gone on my to vilifying anyone or shifting blame, but to calmly move on with our lives separately and not to obsess over a catastrophic and traumatic moment. Despite that, I still found myself sucked into drama that revealed not only the downplaying of women’s experiences, but the downplaying of male decisions and its suggestion.
So yes after months of moving on, being silent, and acknowledging the complexity of the unfortunate moment, and the trauma both parties experienced, I’m frustrated because in the end of this dragged out mess, I’m the only one in the situation labeled to should have “known better” and to expect what occurred. To make matters worse, I’m also the one painted as the person who is “holding onto anger” simply for looking out for myself (even when the other party is doing the same).
It’s no wonder why women get so angry even when they detach themselves from stress. So this blog is to all the women who have experienced these hardships and who have been exempted from justified anger.
Latin Families are…sexist
Coming from a female led Latina family, many instances I would see men perform the crappiest and sexist behavior. From badmouthing, slut shaming, creating single mother households, to unreasonable lawsuits, engaging in elderly abuse, etc. I’ve literally have heard the worse in my own family.
Yet, in these same families, women are the ones who are taught to forgive, be loyal to the men, ultimately be the bigger person, and go above and beyond to take care of others. It’s as if the same men in my family, circle, and from experience have ever played the role of being the bigger person themselves and directly resolving tension (which has sadly never been the case). Women are taught to have more patience for the men and coddle them when they are weak.
And at one point, I’m going to be exhausted of this (which I already am). Now wrong is wrong in a particular situation and it’s hard for anyone I think, despite the gender, to apologize or to reach out. But, I feel like it’s becoming even more normalized for women to take on the direct “conflict solver” role even if she weren’t totally in the wrong or plainly shouldn’t have to. Meanwhile, from my experience it’s been expected and okay for men to put these issues behind them.
It’s no surprise why the running joke in Latin families is that the sons get the most love. Hell look at the Spanish language!!!
Shaming Women For Saying NO
And although my mom has always been conditioned to be caring, just recently she decided to cut that shit off after regarding recent incidents with my uncle not respecting her, which was obvious to all. As the proud daughter, I applauded her for telling him off as it’s something I’ve done for myself in the past.
And just this past week, the lessons I learned from last year haunted me again and had me wondering: Why are women blamed, shamed, and taught to be forgiving in such a patriarchal world? Why can’t we be angry? I’ve definitely been in positions where I hold my anger back because I know things would get fiery. But, it makes me wonder how many problematic actions slide as a result to women not releasing their anger. It sucks more that people are this comfortable excusing obvious shitty male behavior even before a women speaks.
I’m not the most radical feminist, but there comes a time when a women sees the bullshit in the world. Two days ago, I was followed home by a car and felt useless afterwards. There are countless of other women who have experienced harassment, rape, at the risk of their own lives. As a result, women are taught to change routes, dress differently, go home at certain times, etc.
We are taught to heed all danger in every aspect of our existence and police ourselves in every avenue. Again, it’s a running joke in Latin families for little girls to change their outfits when visitors come by. Women too tend to have internalized misogyny.
A Women’s Mistakes VS A Man’s Mistakes
And on top that, when both women and men do fuck up, many times women deal with the burden more viciously (cough Monica Lewinsky, Ariana Grande and Mac Miller, Britney Spears, Janet Jackson cough). A girl’s mistake defines her character while a male’s mistake is just his way of dealing with things (my favorite line I heard last week) with the chance to avoid accountability and the freedom to run away. Often times, there’s more room for men to make mistakes then there is for women. Again I am not the extreme “feminist” type. Nevertheless, I’m not the one to jump of the all Men Are Trash bandwagon because I don’t like generalizing. Even as I’m writing this, experiences will vary for all genders and I have my fair share of the popular issues regarding the hypocrisy of my own gender.
However, I’m tired of women not being able to exist and have fun without keeping the dangers surrounding her body in mind. The vulnerability with having a female body is a universal truth that both men and women are aware of (but a consequence of male behavior).
Even with this, there’s many other discriminatory issues we face as a result of our voice being dismissed such as wage gaps, hiring practices, and creative control. I’m tired of being told we should suck up our anger for the convenience of a collective group. I’m tired of being the “mature one” despite the fact that all parties have its own fault. I’m tired of male shortcomings being ignored, and having the shame only painted on women. “Men are men” or “you’re a women you should know better” are two pathetic statements.
Many times for women we are programmed to KINDLY speak up when we are uncomfortable, but not to defend ourselves and set boundaries. We are called selfish if we challenge or defy. We are taught not to escalate things or feed into external conflict, such as a man’s anger with rejection. Nevertheless, because we are stigmatize as the ones to overreact, we try to brush aside our own discomfort to make other people happy and comfortable. And although there’s so much more regarding this like the fact that a black girl’s trauma is often dismissed because “we are strong”, that’s another blog, we have every right to go off. And Tracy Ellis Ross knows the power and benefit to a woman’s fury: a women’s fury holds a lifetime of wisdom.
Being Brutal “Like A Dude”
I look back to every conflict I have with male encounters and I always find at least one thing I could have done differently. Everyone is human, and I have had my fair share of mistakes and regrets.
But then I look at the difference as to how these particular males handle conflict: going ghost, no consideration for initiation, and not being upfront with their own faults. And although a part of me finds it incredibly shitty and cowardly, I actually admire the ability to easily cut ties with people and not waste valuable time, especially when true colors are shown. As a woman, I have no issues doing that and I honestly urge more women to do that instead of keeping ties with the wrong people. It’s best for both parties.
So when my mother finally did that this spring, I was super happy for her. Women have the right to say NO, have boundaries, and not be pressured into being “loyal” or to “deescalate things” and play peacemaker. We can feel anger, it’s a proper emotion and we are human too. And even if those decisions may not be the best or rational, we still live and learn. My ideal world is to see both men and women’s problematic behavior getting equal attention and actual consequences depending on the severity.
CASH SUMMER!!!
But, we are still far from that world. Ironically I hadn’t been angry at all regarding my own personal issues. I’ve been so involved with work, getting my permit, and getting drunk with friends. In fact, I took a blogging break and wasn’t going to delve into my personal life.
It wasn’t until drama was unnecessarily stirred up that I got fed up (and that was despise me being patient, censored, and moving on). I was still labeled angry at the end for ironically putting the situation behind me and setting boundaries for the future. So yeah I’m actually now angry lol. I decided to productively take out my newfound anger by writing it out, getting money off of it, and move on to my future projects and announcements.
There will be a times in a woman’s life where she is going to be betrayed, gaslighted, taken advantage of, lied to, manipulated, silenced, ignored, thrown away and dismissed in order to maintain a mans sanity, reputation, or some other privilege of his. And although I can’t prevent everything, I’m glad I own my emotions and I’m glad other women are doing so as well.
