I never thought I would get to this point, but I officially have relationship anxiety: the fear of being of entering an official and committed romantic relationship. I’ve manifested love for so long and have been pretty vocal here about my frustrations with my single life. Now that I am presented with the option of being “taken”, why do I have cold feet? Well after discarding this blog due to my crazy work stress, I have will break down how I even got boo’d up in the first place.
Summer Time Fling
During my first summer in California, I was already settles into my job and my life. I had my friends, my apartment, my money and there was a natural glow to me. I had everything going and ironically I felt good being single because I was happy. The only downfall to this was my occasional panic attacks and Sunday anxiety going into work the next week. It even became evident that I unhealthily trained myself to become numb, at least temporarily given my current employment status.
Regardless, I had my life alligned and thought, why not enter the dating space again. After all, I knew I was that bitch and any form of rejection, no matter how hurtful it may be initially, wasn’t going to put me in the dumps. I was 23 gaining a pretty good coin, have great looks, had my own apartment, and a great social life. My ego was at a high, but I also knew I was no longer dependent on men to fulfill my loneliness. So I decided, just to treat dating apps as a casual thing because I still wanted some d***.
Hinge Did Its Thing
I know what you’re thinking, “Tiana you hate dating apps”. And tbh, I still and probably will always hate them. In fact, I tried them in the start of 2022 and quickly deleted a week later. It wasn’t until July I revived it because in person meet ups are so rare. Organic encounters in generation z is a blog topic I will save for the future.
After a few frustrations, massive flakiness, and odd guys, I managed to kick it off with a guy who I am currently still seeing til this day.
A Bit About Him
Of course, like any relationship or friendship you first encounter, there’s gonna be a few odd moments. I’d be lying to say I didn’t have a few doubts or awkward times in the beginning. Hell, I even cried after our first kiss (it was in the sunlight and my eyes are sensitive to light lol). And trust me, that’s not the most odd thing either.
Regardless, it’s hard to stop myself from talking to him everyday which I can’t think of a moment we have successfully manage to do that. And he’s been an absolute rock to me regarding the whole job drama. And as much as it sucks being jobless or going through Hollywood drama at work, he, my friends, and of course my family have been super supportive. Granted, I’ve gone through this already with HBO Crap, so I’m already prepared and calmer. Nevertheless, one big difference is despite a shift in career, I feel happier in my life now. And it’s nice knowing that this happiness, at least at this moment, isn’t defined by a career but by true love and the right people around me.
Just like me, he’s in the industry, moved to LA to be pursue his passion, and shows ambition about his goals. He’s a huge talker, but I always find myself smiling when hearing him speak. There’s nothing sexier about a man passionate about his beliefs or what he’s speaking about. And most importantly, I’m myself around him. We’ve been super vulnerable and happy around each other. The flirting, him loving my natural self and vice versa, it just feels all good.
So What’s My Problem?
I think my issue stems from things going toooo perfect. I am so used to the broken relationships in my family and in my life. I’ve never had things go so well and I guy ACTUALLY wanting to claim me as his girlfriend. And I’ve been honest with him about my traumas as well. Though I ask myself, should I let it sabotage my future partnerships?
Unfortunately being treated well has never been on the menu for me. And what’s even more sad, is that many single women who have been in my shows are so not used to be treated well, that we become skeptical as to why we are treated well. Dating standards are low man…
So when he brung up this conversation twice, I kept delaying it saying things were too fast which is true tbh. We are still in the honeymoon phase and it’s only been a little over a month. I’d like to take more time with dating, though I do want to be his girlfriend already. So I ask myself, why don’t you take a leap of faith?
I’m Not Ready To Let Go Of Being Single
I made jokes to my friend that I am the flaky man in this scenario who is unsure. I am still in shock that the official comment came from him first and not me considering I know my ass can be clingy.
But on serious note, I’ve been single by default for so many years, that I’m just used to it. Now looking back at those years, despite all the tears and lonely nights, they were actually pretty dope. And since my last few months in LA have been my high, it was nice being chill in my apartment doing things. Now there’s a fear of sharing my space, investing time into someone, being fully vulnerable and eventually preparing for…cough…cough…marriage as the ideal next step.
It’s going to feel like a real next step saying yes! And that is where my relationship anxiety stems from ladies and gentlemen.
My Next Steps
I think continuing to date is obviously my goal and best shot here. I had this blog sitting in my drafts for about a week so there’s a few updates since then. But I’ll actually try to pump it out this week.
That being said, I have nothing to lose by continuing to date and having my fun responsibly. After all, you can never go wrong slowing things down and really trying to get to know someone.
