Emotional intelligence has been dwindling, don’t you think? When did little things become a reason to dismiss people? A question I had after Valentine’s Day.
I recently hosted a Valentine’s Day gathering in my apartment. I was super excited to have girl chat, eat some bomb dinner and listen to some throwback music. Except, the conversation took a bit of a toll yesterday. And I won’t get into the details of what was said, but there was a clear judgement snarky vibe going on in the room. It was a deja vu moment of when my leggo loser ex came into my apartment with a rain cloud after I cooked for him.
After the dinner, I chatted with the other two friends who were there and asked them if they felt tension. And of course, they did. After going back and forth about this, I decided to blog this out because I feel like this generation is becoming more selfish and inconsiderate.
Hyper Independence
I am guilty of being this person. I like things in a certain way and pace so I tend to sometimes isolate myself to get shit done. Also, my childhood is a huge reason why I am the woman I am today. Growing up without a father, I had to become a second hand to holding down the household. Essentially, I became “strong” and independent, because the person who was supposed to fulfill that role, was absent.
Fast forward to now, I established my life in a new state. I have had several low moments here rooted in racism and pure mistreatment. However, those low moments alongside with my childhood has ignited me to have compassion for others alongside with always being able to save myself. A scary reality that could have happened was me being jobless, homeless, with no friends. And honest to God, I’m thankful I never lost the wheel and I am still doing well to this day. But, this is to say…
I’m Tired of Evolving Myself To Trauma I Didn’t Ask For
I think the whole, “what kills you makes you stronger” remark is true. I have said that in this blog before. However, a pattern I’m starting to see is “what doesn’t kill you, makes you traumatized”. The best thing to do in life is to move on, but unfortunately it’s also our only option sometimes. We don’t get out immediate justice or we have to deal with people’s shittiness and make ourselves numb the next time it happens (though I still believe in karma and repeated patterns). And to be honest, I’m sick of changing myself to become resistant to more toxic bullshit that was out of my control.
For instance, I was sexually assaulted at a club sometime in November. Now I was never fond of clubs, but of course, you have to have fun sometimes. Well that experience left traumatized and I no longer like going to clubs, let alone crowded spaces. I already wasn’t really drinking, was with a group of friends, and from past experiences, I was on guard (because you can never relax as a woman unfortunately), yet I was grabbed. My point is, is that I had to change myself to being this person who doesn’t go to clubs, who limits going out at night, etc.
And most people can say to this point that I can fix those in my social circles, beef up the people I go to crowds with, etc. I recently declined a date to go to the club (I know right), and a friend of mine said “Are you going to let that sexual assault stop you”. So this leads me to ask:
Are We Becoming Stronger or Becoming Less Humane?
Usually when I go through friend breakups, job changes, break ups in general, there’s an experience and a set of emotions I go through. However, I realized we are now going into a new generation where any vulnerability is dismissed. We no longer have a minute to react or to sit in our feelings. Instead, we now have to be on autopilot because emotions are just seen as ..emotions.
As a result, we are becoming more numb, robotic, selfish, and very inconsiderate. Like I said, I’m super grateful for the slate of friends I have now who do understand me. But let me tell you, when you are trying to put yourself out there, for any new found relationship/friendship, you have to have a guard up which I don’t like. Any flaw turns into a “we are done here”. There’s no empathy nor kindness for having your moments here and there. We now have to turn ourselves into a rock. It’s the aspect of people saying their day “is going good”, even though it’s really shit. No one is comfortable being vulnerable anymore because they will be judged. There’s no empathy.
As a result, I’m not able to live in my own truth, own my emotions in this “strong state” above. I have to not get overly excited about things. Hell, if I am feeling sad, I can’t speak too much on that. I have to be numb and think ahead about the worst case scenario and prepare for disappointment. You can never expect empathy from others because of course, they do not owe that to you (no one owes you anything). At the same time, do I owe people a perfect robotic version of myself all the time? Do they not know, that I am human and they are talking to one?
I’d argue that those people ^^^ are unaware of their own emotions and are unhealthy to a degree, but that’s another story. Emotional intelligence is a becoming a rarity.
Emotional Intelligence
According to dictionary.com, emotional intelligence is the following: the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.
I guess what I’m asking is..why has this become such an ask or a foreign concept? I can get more in depth about how systemic this can be ESPECIALLY pertaining to race. However, it’s way too common nowadays. I think social media is a cause, but it runs deeper. At least that’s what I think.
And the truth is, I don’t want to be strong all the time. Most of the time, being strong comes from having to adapt to a challenging situation you were thrown into. Again, even though that has saved me a couple of times, having that strong persona every time is unhealthy in my opinion. It’s unrealistic ESPECIALLY if you are trying to foster new connections and opportunities. Essentially, being strong has caused me to not trust people as easily as I wait for them to disappoint me. Pessimistic right? The bar is low these days. It’s essentially the act of accommodating to people who lack emotional intelligence.
I am at a point in my life that I am only welcoming those who are emotionally intelligent. I no longer want to be gaslit, not considered, disposed, used, and mistreated especially in my black skin, and in my female body. In fact, rebuke anybody and anything that gives me that energy especially in 2023. Tiana needs and is going to get emotional intelligent people around her only.
I have started my therapy journey again which I am happy for :). I come from from a family of traumas, and I’m absolutely tired, of that being both my story (and fam’s) and goal: to be strong. My past experiences have been crazy and I want to better prepare myself when things as such happen. That being said, my biggest challenge but purpose this year is to…just be a girl not having my guard up all the time. Letting go, being feminine, divine, soft, relaxed, loved, prioritzed, honored, appreciated, understood, respected, and heard! Things aligning, coming beautifully to me, in which I glow and feel butterflies in my stomach everyday!
