As you can see again, I’ve barely been writing. I now know how these YouTubers feel when they get so burnt out, busy, to a point where they abandon their whole channel. And to be honest, I’ve been feeling that way for several reasons. It helps knowing that this is my hobby and I don’t feel guilty for leaving it from time to time. In fact, I have several drafts here of topics I wanted to sound off of, but life got in the way lol.
Just recently, my friend and I had a deep conversation on Halloween night. Before I go in to explain, shout out to my friends out here. I would be going insane if it wasn’t for my group here . Having your people to laugh with, cry with, joke with, tell stories, is probably the biggest beauty to my life out here in LA (and my 20s I should add).
But anyways, life has been pretty steady for us and to a few others out here. But, it hasn’t been exciting nor the best for most. In fact, I’ve been seeing and hearing so many people leave LA due to the strikes and cost of living. I’m blessed to still have my position and to have my landlord kindly not raising my rent again for the 2nd time. And as much as I have had my issues with LA, I’m starting to realize there’s a universal issue with the state of the world.
We Are Conditioned To Deal And Not Fix
With all the labor movements and violence going on, I have retreated into an unhealthy numbness. After weeks of being anxious and a bit of an emotional mess, I had to really watch what I consume or put out. My social media presence has been on a low and adulting has removed much hope I have had for humanity. And to be honest, as I type this I’m getting that hope back when wholesome things happen such as saying hi to my neighbor, speaking to an Uber driver, connecting, and seeing my landlord not raise my rent lol.
When I delve into why I have been having this numbness (which came after anger), I realize a couple of things. I was an honor student in high school- co salutatorian to be exact. And although my achievements have paved the way to what I have now, I will say it was a very competitive environment. Getting the best grades, best test scores, having the most extracurricular activities, is what they really teach you in order to get into the best college. As a low income student of color, unfortunately we had to be the best and have a lot on our resumes because we had to constantly prove our worth.
And trust and believe, stepping into college, I was met with so many kids who probably didn’t have to be a super student like I was yet was able to get these things much easily. Furthermore, this blends into my career with me noticing how white mediocracy gets rewarded while people of color have to do the absolute most all the fucking time to reap benefits. Exhausting and let me tell you, I feel invisible a lot. I also feel like my burnt out meter is a lot shorter.
Yet, we are always conditioning the youth to do their best in order to achieve the best. And if there is anything adulting has taught me, it’s that metricrocy is so outdated. Granted, I’m living in LA which is more of a connection-network city in my opinion. But, I have found that networking, nepotism are more common and an easier path to success versus being a hard-worker. I’ve grown to accept this, but I do wish schools operated on exposing various means to success versus the traditional get good grades especially because I’m not busting out the quadratic formula anytime soon.
The Importance Of People Skills
I also wish schools focused more on people skills. As much as I complain about my generation, it’s really those connections with others that take us the farthest in life. Not only emotionally and mentally, but also financially as well if we are really being honest. Even though like most I had a shitty experience at entertainment, I also held onto people who really bring the best out of me. I think more than anything as well, these people skills are what fosters passions.
After my the microagressions, racism, disrespect, and abuse I exepreicned in Hollywood, I’ve been studying to become a project manager with the help of my current HR firm. I love working with clients, trouble shooting the bad in their workplaces, and making work more tolerable for people in the nonprofit world.
And let’s be real. People do not know how to have conversations. I see this more of a thing in my generation and technology is 95% of why. At the same time, knowing how to negotiate, make friends, talk to people, show empathy are crucial skills that are unfortunately becoming rarer. it really does feel like we are mentally behind sometimes and Covid also had an aid in that. There’s a beauty in wisdom that you can only learn from others and that should be something schools really should implement into ciriculums in my honest opinion.
Productivity & Numbness
I think school systems still operate on a meritocracy because that’s ideally how the world should be or tries to be. It ties into the American dream motto, “work hard and you’ll be rich”. However, we clearly see that that’s not the case and a lot of the times the most undeserving people in the world can have the most money, success, and resources. And speaking from the I- as a black woman, I have had so many stories twisted about me and I can only imagine how often the rules get rewritten for others in this rigged game we call life.
Like I said, this numbness I have been snapping out of isn’t healthy to even have. I’ve also realized we are conditioned to just deal things. Showing vulnerability is a weakness and shows you are triggered or not being the bigger person. I had an interesting conversation with a friend who in my opinion was emphasizing this toxic positivity that I was personally over. And in that I mentioned how we should not keep rationalizing the bad that happens to us which is the path I think this society makes us go for. “Distract yourself, deal with it, it was only a one time thing. “
And I think productivity can be such a financial and purposeful blessing but also a curse in creating this hyper independence, individualistic, capitalistic mindset that is rooted in greed and not personal fulfillment. Hence, me keeping my site as my hobby and not a full time job. I find that productivity is the answer we give people when they go through bad events. It’s used as a coping mechanism. This is how the best art is made, and there’s nothing more beautiful that having so many people relate to you. But, like all things too much is bad. I sometimes feel guilty for not studying for my certification or for not writing.
Furthermore, I feel guilty for putting too much time into the “processing” phase of my lows. Like I should be sitting in my feels for one day as opposed to one week or month. Lastly, being productive is deemed many times as only the acceptable way to “heal” because it’s the most profitable. Granted I do 100% believe being productive is a must in the healing process. I find that working on things boosts my mood and gives me new skills. And yes, I have benefitted from productivity hands down. At the same time, we should learn how to sit with ourselves the moment we turn that productivity switch off. This in itself has been a struggle I’ve been seeing.
Recently I pulled up an old photo of mine where I just looked like the fiercest thing. Like I said, I’ve been on social media a lot less and I’m also not taking as many photos as I use to anymore which really did bring me joy. My first thought when I saw the photo, I thought wow I miss this girl. Specifically I missed when times were simpler and when I wasn’t tired enough to do those photoshoots. And even though I would not go back in the past simply because I still do prefer my life now, I will say I miss the naiveness I had. That photo was before my last semester, before I became an adult for real lol. And I’m not necessarily going to end this blog on a high positive note, but me getting back into blogging here and there helps me find my inner child again that has never really ever healed from childhood. It’s also a great venting space when the real world gives me shit. So cheers to my magic maker site!
